I’m off for just a few days, so right here’s an older put up from the archives. This was initially printed in 2020.
A reader writes:
I’m a part of the HR division at my office, and we employed “Andre” just a few months in the past as part of our pupil group. He’s solely 18, however he’s been a tough employee and all the time takes initiative across the workplace. I used to be a part of Andre’s interview panel, so I’ve all the time been involved with him and pleasant with him since we introduced him on board.
For the previous month, Andre has been working in my part to assist course of a backlog of paperwork attributable to COVID-19, so he spends quite a lot of time in my workplace the place the one working scanner is. We began with small speak however realized that we share quite a lot of hobbies.
Per week in the past, a restaurant close to our workplace opened again up (take-out solely), and after I advised Andre about it, he prompt we go there for break. I’ve had espresso with my different coworkers earlier than. He supplied to pay, and after we chatted at a park bench by the cafe, he supplied a hand to assist me up from the bench and held my higher arm till we’d left the park. Since then, we’ve felt extra comfy making bodily contact, but it surely’s been nothing inappropriate. It’s often only a poke or bump on the shoulder or brushing up in opposition to one another within the corridor.
I carry this up as a result of one in every of my coworkers, “Jane,” confided in me that she’s involved about how Andre and I work together. She mentioned that she noticed us on that outing, and he or she confessed that she overheard a brief dialog we had whereas Andre was changing toner. Andre was jamming the cartridge in aggressively, so I mentioned, “Rattling, I hope you don’t deal with your dates like that.” He had replied, “Provided that they ask for it.” She has additionally heard Andre inform me on a separate event, “If solely I might get a lady with legs like yours, I’d be in enterprise.”
Jane thinks this might lead to sexual harassment complaints, however that wouldn’t make any sense. We thought we have been alone, and since we’ve been getting extra related at work, we’ve been speaking in pleasant innuendo like that. Andre has by no means proven any discomfort once we share jokes like these, particularly when he initiates them, and we by no means accomplish that in entrance of others to make others really feel uncomfortable. No one’s complaining. Jane, nonetheless, thinks that is unbecoming of a 40something lady like myself and will look very unhealthy for our firm if our non-public interactions have been made public.
Jane says they’re not as non-public as I feel and everybody else can really feel the “sexual stress” between us, and he or she mentioned that individuals generally seek advice from us as “work spouses.” I admit that interacting with Andre makes me really feel extra enticing than I’ve in years, but it surely’s not related. Jane additionally requested if my husband is aware of about Andre, however my husband doesn’t must find out about Andre since I’ve by no means cheated on him and by no means would.
Jane doesn’t appear to know extra nuanced social interactions like flirting might be innocent and customary in workplace settings, and based mostly on the questions above, she appears to consider it’s okay to ask about my non-public life due to this. Is there a tactful approach I can clarify to her that she shouldn’t attempt to police her coworkers’ social interactions, particularly in the event that they’re not meant to be public?
Whoa, no.
You must cease flirting with Andre. Cease brushing in opposition to him within the hallway (!), cease buying and selling sexually charged jokes and compliments, cease the entire thing.
You’re in HR. He’s an 18-year-old pupil worker. You can not flirt with or commerce sexual innuendo with a pupil worker.
Sure, this may very well be sexual harassment. It may very well be sexual harassment of Andre if he ever begins to really feel uncomfortable or like his safety in his job depends upon persevering with the flirtation (and simply because somebody appears comfy with this type of contact at first, that doesn’t imply they’ll proceed to really feel comfy with it). It is also a authorized legal responsibility if others are compelled to overhear apparent sexual remarks between the 2 of you (that toner remark? come on — I assure you that grossed out anybody who overheard).
And sure, potential harassment points apart, it will completely have an effect on the way in which others consider you. At a minimal, you’ll seem like you’ve gotten horrible judgment, and if this continues individuals will suspect you of greater than that.
Doing this with any colleague could be inappropriate. Doing it with an 18-year-old is much more problematic. He’s on a complete totally different airplane of maturity (and he’s not accountable in almost the identical approach you might be for realizing what’s and isn’t acceptable at work).
Additionally, you’re in HR! I hope which means you’re doing advantages administration or comp evaluation or related — as a result of in the event you do something associated to authorized compliance or investigations or worker counseling, you’re torpedoing your credibility and trustworthiness in your job as properly. You might have already forfeited your capability to be seen as truthful or neutral if somebody must report harassment or different inappropriate conduct.
Should you do work in these areas of HR, your judgment right here — and particularly your response after a colleague identified the issues — is indicative of some critical deficiencies in your understanding of foundational ideas in your discipline, and I’d urge you to do some critical soul-searching about what’s required to make your conduct and judgment line up with what’s wanted in that work. This isn’t “I sometimes have do some information entry for my job and I’m not nice at it.” That is “I violate the foundations I’m charged with implementing, don’t notice after I’m doing it, and should hurt others who depend on me to maintain their workspace protected and authorized.” It’s soul-searching, “am I in the precise discipline?” territory.
Should you try this soul-searching and are available out of it with an understanding of why all of it is a downside and a resolve to do higher, you must have the ability to transfer ahead (though you’ll must do some status restore at work, in addition to righting issues with Andre). However you need to try this work.
Additionally … you didn’t write in asking for marriage recommendation, however the related query there isn’t whether or not your husband “wants” to find out about Andre. It’s whether or not you’d be comfy if he did.
