“I simply get actually anxious saying no, generally,” a shopper shared with me lately.
As a profession coach I typically hear this sentiment from shoppers who’re struggling to keep up their skilled boundaries. Previous experiences the place saying ‘no’ was met with rebuke or criticism, have made many people very cautious with this phrase. A few of us keep away from it altogether.
For us freelancers, this disconnect from our ‘no’ might be particularly destabilizing: we’ll tackle initiatives we all know will not be a great match, appease shoppers who make unreasonable requests, or settle for unethical habits from our associates.
As this type of misalignment grows, our vitality drains. And as these burdens lead us into pained relationships with our work, we’d even neglect that autonomy is among the fundamental causes we went freelance within the first place.
The reality is, our NO — the phrase in addition to its numerous expressions and attitudes, what I name NO-energy — is right here to serve us. It might assist us to decline unsuitable affords, simply as it will probably shield us towards challenges to our integrity, all whereas constructing belief within the relationships which actually matter. As we get aware of all of the methods our NO can help us, we’ll grow to be much less afraid of it and discover confidence in calling forth this highly effective protector.
Shades of NO
To help shoppers in reconnecting with their NO we use the Shades of No framework. It presents 4 “shades,” or intensities of NO, with every carrying its personal energy and results.
As you discover the 4 shades, I encourage you to recall or think about an expert scenario the place utilizing every sort of response could be helpful or applicable. Use the examples offered to regulate them to your personal conditions, adapting them in your personal phrases. Contemplate, as an illustration, how may the end result of an interplay have been totally different for those who used a distinct NO?
The 4 shades might be mapped throughout two dimensions: 1) comfortable exhausting and a couple of) open closed.
Crossing these dimensions provides us the shades of NO spectrum, containing the 4 varieties:
- Gentle-Open: “NO, however we will focus on.”
This shade of NO is probably the most light. It’s comfortable as a result of it leads with a light-weight (however clear) decline, however it’s nonetheless open to a collaborative path ahead, maybe to regulate your affiliate’s provide to be extra appropriate.
It is a nice NO to make use of once you don’t instantly align with somebody however wish to keep or deepen the connection. It might additionally act as a take a look at of your affiliate’s willingness to collaborate: can they settle for your clear decline and nonetheless observe your provide to discover alternate options?
- Gentle-Closed: “NO, not proper now.”
It is a tempered NO. This NO is comfortable as a result of it normally declines the provide solely partially. However it’s also closed as a result of it doesn’t explicitly provide a path to alignment. Because of its ambivalent posture, this shade of NO might be deceptive. These receiving it’d really feel confused or “left hanging.”
For positive, this soft-closed NO has its place, particularly in pressing or unstable conditions: it permits us to say no whereas minding an affiliate who may be delicate to rejection.
But when the objective is to construct trusting relationships primarily based on readability and alignment (sure, please), such a NO ought to be prevented. If doable, make clear this response with a clearer (more durable) decline or put ahead some viable openings for transferring ahead (for instance: “No, not proper now, however let’s do tomorrow as an alternative”)
If you end up steadily receiving such a ambivalent NO from an affiliate, take notice. It might be a sign that they themselves will not be feeling safe within the relationship. Search readability of their place by providing a path ahead or give them a simple out to say no definitively. Should you sense that their ambivalence is persistent and intentional, take into account it as a cue to disengage. In any case, keep away from retaining such a soft-closed NO unresolved: it is going to solely drain your vitality.
- Arduous-Open: “NO, however right here’s what will work.”
That is the NO that takes cost. It’s exhausting as a result of it makes your “purple line” very clear. It’s open as a result of it clearly and explicitly defines the appropriate various. This NO places strain again in your affiliate, to both settle for or decline your proposal. Consider the hard-open NO as your loyal emissary whose job is to guard your pursuits whereas driving your agenda.
Earlier than deploying this shade, take into account how exhausting and how open your NO actually is right here. What is going to occur if the choice you plan (“…what will work for me”) isn’t accepted? Will you stroll away? Are you open to adjusting your situations? Are you able to maintain the road in your exhausting NO? It’s okay to present your self some flex round this posture – simply know that vary forward of time and keep on with it.
Like the opposite shades, the hard-open NO has its place. It’s very efficient at filtering out those that will not be aligned along with your imaginative and prescient. Because of this, this “my manner or the freeway” NO ought to be used with care and intention; unscrupulous use can simply marginalize worthwhile collaborators who could want a softer method.
Should you discover others repeatedly utilizing this shade, take notice. They’re seemingly searching for to consolidate management and take company away from others.
- Arduous-Closed: “NO. That is not working for me.”
That is probably the most highly effective, most categorical NO. It’s exhausting as a result of it leaves little question that the offered provide is not going to be accepted. It’s closed as a result of it presents no various affords and even any curiosity in a single. That is the NO to make use of for those who’re able to stroll away: a really highly effective assertion of your boundaries with express alerts of intent to disengage. The favored saying “‘No’ is an entire sentence” refers to this shade.
Associates’ reactions to this NO might be very revealing, so take notice. These with integrity will present respect and honor your hard-closed NO, ‘no questions requested.’
Others could react negatively. If this occurs – whether or not they get upset or indignant – do thoughts your security, however in any other case be ready to allow them to have no matter response comes up. That response is theirs, so belief them to handle it. Belief your NO, the guardian of your integrity, that will help you stand agency in your values.
In visualizing the distinct intensities of NO, we will discover the spectrum and to observe “dialing-in” the suitable response for various eventualities. We are able to observe our personal private variations, talking them outloud, grounding this NO-energy in our personal phrases and our bodies.
After all, there’s rather more to navigating skilled and private development challenges than boundary administration. Simply as vital as our protecting NO, is our deep YES: our values, our imaginative and prescient for a greater future, the presents we supply within the type of expertise to help us on the trail. Simply as foundational as figuring out how you can maintain ourselves complete, is studying how you can increase our capability for challenges and acceptance. Certainly, the depth of our particular person and collective potential is profound.
About Misha:
If any piece of this text resonated with you, I welcome your outreach! Whether or not you’re considering your subsequent profession pivot or scheming a daring new entrepreneurial challenge, my teaching packages are right here to help you.
As a life and profession transition coach, I work primarily with ladies, queer of us, and anybody who is able to shift out of hustle tradition and into a piece life that’s grounded in peace, objective, and energy. Write to me straight at careers@misha.vitality or be taught extra about my choices at misha.vitality.
