A reader writes:
I’m a full-time, mid-level feminine supervisor at a big consultancy, and I generally work with a senior strategist (a contractor). He has an off-putting behavior of using Zoom DMs to make feedback that make it clear he’s scrutinizing me as a substitute of being attentive to the assembly. Issues like, “One thing should be humorous!” or “You look vexed! LOL”
Whereas I’m generally responsible of sending an electronic mail or responding to somebody on Slack throughout a gathering if I’m not actively presenting or main, I don’t assume my face is doing something out of the bizarre. One other colleague of mine has stated she has gotten related messages from the strategist. I checked with considered one of our male colleagues, and he says he has by no means gotten a message from the strategist about his facial features.
The final time I received considered one of these messages, I responded, “I believe it’s simply my face. :D”
Is there anything you recommend to push again on these bizarre messages? We don’t work in the identical metropolis, so won’t ever have an opportunity to casually chat in particular person. It feels very very like he solely does this to feminine colleagues.
Yeah, it’s tremendous widespread — and tremendous annoying — for males to be happy to touch upon ladies’s faces once they’d by no means make the identical remark to a different man. Ask any man how typically he’s been ordered to smile by one other man.
Generally it stems from the underlying, although typically unconscious, perception that ladies ought to at all times be nice, ornamental objects … plus, ladies’s faces and our bodies appear to be up for evaluation and suggestions on a regular basis and in each context.
If you happen to attempt to shut down the boys who do that, they’re typically shocked, even insulted; they’re simply being pleasant, they declare! However the truth that they solely do it to ladies provides the sport away.
To be clear, there are many instances the place pleasant coworkers may commerce messages throughout conferences like “I can see you’re barely holding it collectively over what Roger simply stated” or so forth — the place it’s simply pleasant camaraderie. However this doesn’t sound like that, even when he thinks it’s.
Anyway. Some choices:
You may simply ignore your colleague’s messages if you need. Simply because he needs to ship them doesn’t imply you owe him a response. And it’s attainable that being ignored each time may make him really feel bizarre about persevering with. That is in all probability the best choice.
However if you wish to tackle it extra explicitly, you might say, “It’s actually distracting once you touch upon my face throughout conferences.” If you wish to soften it, throw in a “I do know you don’t imply something by it however” at the start of that. (Technically you don’t want to melt it, however the message goes to get delivered both approach and work dynamics may imply you profit from cushioning it a bit.)
