00:00:00: Introduction
00:01:07: Three concepts for motion…
00:01:08: … 1: pause earlier than saying sure
00:02:06: … 2: ‘I do not’ vs ‘I can not’
00:03:44: … 3: practise your no-cabulary
00:05:03: Last ideas
Helen Tupper: Hello, it is Helen from the Squiggly Careers podcast, and also you’re listening to one among our new collection of Squiggly Shortcuts. These episodes are designed to be actually brief, they’re designed to be very helpful and to unravel an issue that you just is perhaps coping with proper now. So, we’re going to speak by some concepts for motion that you should utilize straightaway if it is a state of affairs that you just’re scuffling with. So, in the present day’s Squiggly Shortcut is on people-pleasing.
If you’re somebody who finds your self saying sure whenever you actually wish to say no, or possibly you are overwhelmed by all the opposite issues that folks need you to do, and it signifies that you are not getting on with the issues which might be necessary to you, it is seemingly that people-pleasing may need change into a little bit of an issue for you. And many individuals have this, so please do not feel such as you’re by yourself with it. However the excellent news is there are some quite simple, sensible issues that we are able to do that do not really feel too scary, do not feel such as you’re being too troublesome an individual. You may nonetheless be your self and you’ll nonetheless be good, however you can too cease people-pleasing getting in your personal manner.
So, three concepts. The primary one is pause earlier than you end up saying sure. So, fairly often, “Sure”, turns into the default, “Sure, I can do it. Sure, no downside. Sure, I can get it mounted by the tip of the week”. Sure simply turns into the fast reply we are saying when somebody asks us to do one thing. And what we have to do is to make sure extra of a aware choice. And the best manner for that to occur is so that you can create a pause. So, an announcement like, “I admire the request. Let me come again to you as soon as I’ve had an opportunity to suppose it by”. Discover the sentence that appears like one thing that you’d say, nevertheless it mainly goes to simply purchase you a little bit of time so that you just’re not simply saying sure by default, and it turns into a way more aware choice the place you’ve gotten thought concerning the implications of it. So, discover your pause assertion you can simply say relatively than simply accepting no matter it’s individuals throw your manner. So, that is the primary motion.
The second is to start out utilizing the phrase, “I do not”, relatively than, “I can not”. So, lets say I requested you to do one thing and also you’re considering, “Effectively, that is a bit onerous”. And also you say, “I am actually sorry, I can not come to that assembly”. Should you say, “I can not”, I can in all probability take into consideration 3 ways in which you’ll. I would say, “Effectively, don’t be concerned, you possibly can simply be part of remotely. Oh, don’t be concerned, you do not must be there for the entire thing. Simply come for the primary 20 minutes”. I can discover methods to override your, “I can not”. Whereas should you say, “I do not”, that’s a lot, far more definitive, like, “Oh, really, I do not go to conferences after 5.00”. And you do not even actually have to clarify issues. I’d be cautious of over-explaining the explanation why you do not do one thing. Otherwise you would possibly say, “Really, I do not tackle greater than three tasks on the identical time. It is simply not one thing that I do, it is not how I work”. Should you can personal the ‘I do not’, it’s a lot tougher for someone else to attempt to persuade you in any other case as a result of it is what they want you to do.
Now, generally I believe that may take numerous confidence, so I’d actually try to practise the ‘I don’ts’, like, what are your ‘I don’ts’? For instance, I’ve a specific precept about being in additional than I am out and I do not compromise that. So, that signifies that I am at residence for extra of my youngsters’s bedtimes than I am not. And I’d typically say to individuals, “I do not exit greater than two nights per week as a result of I’ve a precept about being at residence greater than I am not for my youngsters”. And other people cannot argue with that, they cannot persuade me in any other case. So, simply take into consideration what your statements is perhaps. I believe it makes it so much simpler to say it and you are not having to consider it within the second.
That hyperlinks to the third thought to cease being a people-pleaser, or at the very least to cease people-pleasing getting in your manner, which is to practise your private no-cabulary. So, if somebody asks you to do one thing, simply saying no can be too onerous. That is going to really feel such as you’re being a troublesome individual and you then’re by no means going to say that. So, you are simply going to maintain saying sure. So, we want a unique vocabulary. We want a no-cabulary. So, as an alternative of claiming no, that may sound like, “Not but”, so, “I would like to get entangled, however I can not try this but”. That might be a manner. You could possibly say, “Not me”, that might be a unique manner of claiming no, “Oh, I can see why that must be finished, however I do not suppose I am really one of the best individual to do it”. So, not but, not now, not me, “Not that manner”, is one other factor, “Okay, so I do know you need me to do a presentation. I believe a unique, extra achievable factor to do could be to put in writing a fast electronic mail with 5 bullet factors and see if that is the best way to maneuver this ahead”. So, not now, not me, not then, all these kinds of how of doing issues are methods you can personalise saying no, that may really feel extra snug to you. And if saying the ‘I do not’ feels troublesome, then I believe generally practising and personalising your no-cabulary can really feel like a better win.
So, let’s summarise these three actions. The primary is pause earlier than you say sure, by default we would like that to be a call, discover that assertion that helps you try this. Quantity two is simply take into consideration your ‘I don’ts’, these statements that I do not try this, so you do not depend on ‘I can not’ as a solution to cease doing issues. And quantity three, work out your no-cabulary, what are the statements that really feel most genuine to you and simple so that you can say in these seemingly conditions the place persons are going to ask you to get entangled and it won’t really feel like the correct factor so that you can do.
So, I hope that has been useful. Should you’ve acquired suggestions on this format, ship it our manner. We’re simply helenandsarah@squigglycareers.com, and we’re again with our common episodes on Tuesday, providing you with a little bit of borrowed brilliance and extra Squiggly Shortcuts on Thursdays.
